YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
