Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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