My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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