Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
