I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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