Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
