Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
