Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize