We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
