I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
