I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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