So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
