My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
