I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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