I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize