So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
