I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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