my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
