I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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