He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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