4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
