Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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