ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
