I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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