My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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