Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
