he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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