I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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