and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
