The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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