We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
