just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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