He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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