she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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