I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
