I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
