I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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