dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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