Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
