hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
