Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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