I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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