if i can run in heels then i can drive
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
