Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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