There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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