i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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