Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Randomize
