Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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