Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
