I need to stop coming to work sober
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Randomize
