More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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