Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
