I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize