im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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