that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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