Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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