for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
