I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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