He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
