I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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