One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
