I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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