Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
