im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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