She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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